


Kill The Director

by eggboi97



Series: Picture Show [2]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Alastor is a walking shitpost, Angel Dust is Angel Dust, Depends on how busy each week is tbh, Helluva Cameos, I have too many OCs, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lucifer and Angel and Accordions, Multi, Murderous Rampage Alastor, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Bats, Pregnancy, Return to canon, Soft Alastor (Hazbin Hotel), Succubus, Updates on Monday!, Updates on Sunday!, Valentino is an ass, but no actual sex because author is Uncomfy writing smut, here he comes!, multiple OCs - Freeform, multiple POVs, pregananant???, probably a horrible idea, send help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:21:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27986112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggboi97/pseuds/eggboi97
Summary: (loosely references the song Kill The Director by The Wombats)Eden undergoes a series of uncomfortable, sometimes painful changes to her demonic body and needs to learn to navigate them. At the same time, she's coming to terms with Alastor's true power, which proves a test to their relationship. With a nature-defying hellspawn on the way, will their relationship last?Meanwhile, a new demon falls victim to Valentino's manipulation. After being molded to his liking, she must figure her way out, eventually finding herself at I.M.P. to seek out the people who wrongfully had her sent to Hell. With no luck, and no home, she wanders back to Pentagram City, where she stumbles across a certain hotel that will soon become home...
Relationships: Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Character(s), Alastor (Hazbin Hotel)/Original Female Character(s), Charlie Magne/Vaggie
Series: Picture Show [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049756
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two asexuals celebrate Valentine's Day and one newcomer gets YEETED into Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAYOKAY! First of all HELLO! Second of all, I want to immediately say that Calypso's narrations are deliberate. She is Scottish but when I was developing her character I decided that whenever it was her POV, she'd think/speak like r/scottishpeopletwitter. There's a lot of reasons why I did this beyond "because I wanted to," but they're spoilers. Other than that her entire personality doesn't revolve around her being Scottish- it's just how her character is written. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!!
> 
> ETA: If you haven't yet read Picture Show, you might want to so this fic makes more sense.

_Eden’s POV_

\--

Valentine’s day has always been interesting for me. I don’t want to go into details—that’s not relevant right now. This year was especially weird. I have been in Hell for over a year now, and I never expected to be celebrating Valentine’s Day here with the most dangerous demon in the Underworld. Actually, if we’re being fair, I never expected to even _date_ the man. I mean, everything I was told beforehand, I was expecting him to be this evil, terrible, horrible man. He turned out to be just an old geezer who was kind of an ass sometimes.

But never to me. For some reason, I was impossible to be an ass to. I often think he tries to forget that I could easily kick his ass in my full demonic form. Now, I don’t have a reason to, but I digress. I still find it quite humorous—and charming—that he protects me so much. My heart still skips a beat anytime I see him. Handsome, charming, oh goodness. Every day still feels like the first time I truly fell in love with him.

Now, I know he doesn’t really _do_ Valentine’s Day. I know he doesn’t know what to get a girl or how to treat her. He never really celebrated it. However, I was pleasantly surprised that morning when I woke up to a bouquet of red roses and a tiny heart-shaped box of chocolates on my nightstand along with a small note that simply read, “I love you!’ on it. I opened the box and cautiously took a bike out of one of the chocolates, hoping that they were normal chocolates and weren’t laced with anything weird. Fortunately, it was _just_ a cherry cordial—no eyeballs or blood or fingers. Phew.

Of course, with it being winter, I was used to waking up to a cold room. Since the fall, the heating had broken in the Hotel at least six times. Having the radiator in my room feel like ice in the morning was nothing new. So, I got up and changed my clothes—at least for the morning while I was running around the Hotel making sure that everything was in order. I was also trying to prepare for what was part of my redemption track—I was supposed to teach a yoga class as part of getting comfortable with speaking to sinners I don’t know. Charlie, bless her soul, had good intentions, but left out the part where I actually had to _learn to speak_ without getting anxious about it.

Anyway, I changed into leggings, an oversized sweater ~~that I definitely didn’t steal from Alastor’s closet~~ , and thick fluffy socks, then put my glasses on.

Oh yeah, that’s new. I wore glasses when I was alive, but came to Hell with 20/20 vision. I thought that it was too good to be true—and it was. You know how my left eye doesn’t have a pupil? Apparently it’s more common when you have eyes like mine to go blind. Angel got lucky and it never happened to him. As for me, I had begun to run into things that I never used to run into, and my sight started getting blurry. Charlie, though, knew of a doctor that typically only sees the royal families of Hell, and got me in to see him. Long story short, I now have glasses and contacts and the good news is that I won’t go fully blind—but I will need to wear glasses for the rest of eternity.

Alastor says I look adorable in them.

I went downstairs to find my handsome Radio Demon at the table, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee while biscuits were baking in the oven for breakfast. I sneaked up behind him and slid my hands down his chest, kissing his cheek, then nestling my face into his neck. He was startled a bit when I did this, but reached up immediately to take one of my hands in his.

“Darling, you’re freezing.”

In one swift movement, he pulled me into his lap with a blanket wrapped around me. I leaned in and rested my head on his chest, listening to his slow heartbeat. He had put his paper down and was now holding me close. We both said nothing as he held me, no sound but the wind blowing outside and the smell of some Hellsbury Grands baking.

The more I thought about the date night, the more I smiled. Alastor and I had gone on many dates, but never outside of the Hotel. In fact, I hadn’t really ventured outside of the hotel much at all beyond running away once and going shopping twice. Most recently, Angel took me shopping for something to wear on this date. I had told him: I was looking for something elegant yet modern.

So he took me to a lingerie shop.

Two lingerie shops later, I finally put my foot down. Right across the road, tucked between another lingerie shop and a liquor store was a teeny tiny dress boutique. It was so small that you’d walk right by it and never realized. The shop owner recognized me instantly—but how? I’d never seen her before.

“You’re Alastor’s girl, aren’t you?”

I nodded.

“Well, don’t you worry, miss! Let me grab a few things that are sure to catch his eye.”

Only one dress in the pile stood out to me, and it was a deep red off-the shoulder number—velvet, of course—that flared out when I spun. Paired with the silver heart locket he’d given me for Christmas a few months earlier, it was _perfect_. I paid—Angel insisted I didn’t—and we left. Apparently I was the first customer in a long while who actually paid for what I wanted.

Still, Angel agreed- it was equal parts elegant and just the right amount of sexy for our favorite Radio Demon. I’m not one to exactly dress “sexy” for anyone, _especially_ Alastor. I still dress for myself (for the most part), but I also know Alastor much prefers classy and elegant over sexy. Which is not that surprising, if you ask me. It just so happens that I also prefer to dress classy and elegant over sexy, too. Then again, I don’t have that much shape to my body. I’m 5’5” and weigh 100 pounds. I barely have any boob on my chest and I’ve been mistaken for a child before. One of the hotel guests almost jumped Alastor because they saw him kiss me and thought he was dating a minor. Alastor was not having it and ripped that man to shreds.

I’ve never laughed at a person dying before, but I was definitely in tears by then. It was worth the extra thirty seconds I’d be spending down here, that’s for sure.

So here I sat, on a cold winter morning, being cuddled by the scariest demon in Hell. I absolutely understood _why_ people thought he was so horrible—no doubt, he was feared by almost everyone—but I knew for a fact that he had a soft spot that he reserved only for the most special of demons. He was capable of calming himself down when necessary. I mean, he had a _philosophy_. He was only horrible to those he felt deserved it. Admittedly, he got a thrill out of scaring the more vulnerable demons—like me—but it seemed to be a test of how much they could stand from him, and I _had_ to put on a brave face even though he terrified me at the start. 

I did wonder why he changed his mind about me, though. It’s only been me, and I don’t really think I deserve it.

For the record, my arm is permanently scarred from his bite, and he still beats himself up for attacking me like that. I can tell on days when we are sick of each other that he _really_ tries not to do it again, but I know if he didn’t have at least some self-control, he would gladly do it again. In these cases, I’m almost always the one telling him that we should spend some time away from each other so that nobody gets hurt.

That has always been a significantly better idea than letting things get worse.

I’m not trying to say that things are bad between us—quite the opposite, actually. My heart still flutters whenever I hear him walking behind me. We sleep together most nights—and, ironically, it’s some of the best sleep I’ve had in Hell—truly. I have next to no body fat and am constantly cold, except in the mid-summer when the heat and humidity is unbearable. Alastor is so warm—hence why I chose to cuddle with him this morning.

That is, until the timer on the oven went off and Alastor had to take the biscuits out of the oven before they got burnt.

To be honest, I don’t remember much of breakfast at all. I was too excited for later. Lunch, too. For some reason, I was _nervous_ , and I couldn’t figure out why. I had asked Angel to do my hair and makeup like I usually do when I’m getting ~fancy~ for something, and I figured I’d ask him for help.

Sometimes he gives great advice, but other times I really think he couldn’t be bothered.

“I honestly don’t know why,” I said, sighing, “It’s been irking me all day, except in the morning.”

“Well, what do ya think it is?”

“I dunno. Could be a lot of things.”

“Well, I can’t help ya if you don’t even know what’s botherin’ ya.”

“I…mean…maybe it’s the fact that this is the first time that Alastor and I are going outside the hotel for a date? I know people don’t like him.”

“Eh, not that they don’t _like_ ‘im. They’re _afraid_ of ‘im.”

“I know that. I just don’t know how people are going to react to…ya know, _me_. With him. _Especially_ when there are sinners out there that are _far_ more compatible—”

“I’m gonna stop ya right there, Missy,” Angel withdrew the curling iron from my hair. I furrowed my brows and stared at him through the mirror in utter confusion. He continued, “Enough with the ‘ _we’re total opposites and not compatible_ ’ bullshit. He wouldn’t’ve stayed with you for that long if the two of yas weren’t _compatible,_ ” he accented the word _compatible_ with air quotes.

“It still worries me though. What if he’s only staying with me for status points? Like—”

“Eden, you’re getting too anxious. Look, I’ve known Smiles for a _long-ass_ time…long enough to know that he’s _definitely_ in love with you. I didn’t even think the fucker was capable of _love_ or _affection_ or…any emotion, really, until you came along.”

“I…guess I can take your word for it, Angel.”

“You better, kid. Ya know, I’m gonna be honest. You’re probably the most anxious demon in Hell, at least that I know.”

“How do you even think I got down here?”

Angel shrugged.

“Anxiety-fueled murder…? Remember…?”

“Oh, right. I still don’t believe ya, but whatever.”

I rolled my eyes and chuckled to myself. He knew what I did, but always laughed it off and _insisted_ that my sin was something else, and so was my death. I knew he really did believe me, but…I suppose it was some kind of an _image_ thing. Like, _Oh Eden! You’re so small and sweet, there’s no way you’re capable of randomly murdering your boyfriend!_ Except, it is entirely possible because it _actually happened_.

But, I digress.

I had gone back to my room after that and got ready. The dress hugged my body in the best ways, yet flared out around me when I spun around. Angel had done my makeup in a way that was subtle, but made me smile perpetually. I felt like a tiny supermodel. I didn’t necessarily dislike how I looked—Angel just helped me feel really, really beautiful. I couldn’t have asked to be related to someone with more skill in that department.

I was so distracted by admiring myself that I nearly missed someone knocking on the door—the distinctive rhythm that I knew was Alastor’s knock. I put on my coat and grabbed my clutch, then opened the door. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him there, towering above me, in a black tuxedo with a bowtie and cummerbund that matched my dress almost perfectly. I could see his tail wagging underneath his tailcoat. And he was blushing.

_Oh, Lucifer, was he blushing_.

He took my hand in his and pressed a kiss to my knuckles, causing my body to flood with love and adoration. He didn’t have to say a word to me—I could see it on his face. He was thrilled to see me and quite excited to go on this date.

Right, did I mention that I’m slowly figuring out what Alastor’s smiles mean? He has different ones, but you have to spend enough time around him to figure it out. Not many sinners have, so most don’t notice the subtle changes.

I do.

But, more on that later.

Alastor was quick to grab my hand. Despite the immaculate size difference between our hands, he still tries to interlock his fingers between mine. It never works, so we usually walk linking arms. Today, though, he _insisted_ on doing it. Why?

“Your hands are so cold that I’d cut them off and you wouldn’t feel a thing!”

Not exactly the line you’d want to hear from someone with a history of cannibalism.

I sighed and nervously laughed, then we went downstairs and headed for the door. As usual, Husk was manning the front desk, looking right at us yet seemingly disinterested in everything happening around him. The only thing I caught before we left was him and Alastor sharing a stare at each other, and Husk’s face clearly said, “Don’t you dare hurt her or I will end you.”

It was mildly amusing.

We managed to leave the building before Niffty made her way to the lobby. I loved Niffty—really, I did—but she could be really overwhelming and today was one of those days where I really didn’t want to deal with her. Alastor kept her busy, especially on days like this. If there was anything that needed to be done, she was on it before you could even open your mouth to speak.

\--

I never realized how many people actually feared Alastor until the walk to the restaurant. The high street of Pentagram City—one of its busiest, somehow—completely cleared out as we walked down the street. Alastor ignored it. I, on the other hand, felt bothered by it. “People running away in fear doesn’t bother you at all?” I asked.

“I stopped letting it. I thrive off the fear of others, darling. Those that stay close to me—and there are very few—are the brave ones.”

“Would you say I’m brave, then?”

Alastor let out a hearty chuckle. “Brave enough, I suppose. But you’re still a fearful little thing, still doing the no talking thing whenever a stranger greets you. You must outgrow that if you’re going to be stuck here for eternity!”

“It’s not that simple, Al…” I groaned. “There aren’t any therapists down here to help me, and I don’t know who will understand ASL and who won’t.”

“Does anyone really understand those silly hand gestures of yours?”

“Vaggie does. And Charlie thought it was interesting.”

“Oh, but they’re… _them_ ,” Alastor cringed a bit at that phrasing. “Of _course_ they’re going to know.”

“I get it, it wasn’t a _thing_ when you were alive, but…can you at least _try_ to understand me? I’m lucky. I can hear. Most people that use it can’t hear well and need to use it.”

“So why do you use it then?”

“Alastor. _Anxiety_.”

“Right, that.”

“What if I taught some to you?”

“Not on the street, you won’t.”

“No, of course not. I meant when there’s time…just like I taught you ballet that one time!”

“Hmm…I suppose so.”

“That’s more like it.”

This was one thing about Alastor that never changed. He really could be stubborn about a lot of things that were new to him. With me, he tried to be respectful, but there was a lot about me he didn’t really _get_. He knows I’m prone to panic attacks and has done well with the times I’ve had those. He’s grown to feel at least _some_ empathy on those nights I can’t stop crying (Or he fakes it, I honestly don’t know). But when it comes to the ways I’ve come to cope with selective mutism and my sensory sensitivities, a lot of it is just lost on him. I’ve explained it multiple times, and he’s nodded and seemed to be listening, but the moment I bring it up again…he doesn’t get it. I _know_ he tries to, but he’s not very good at it.

We arrived at the restaurant and, as expected, the entire building emptied out as soon as they heard Alastor enter. The host trembled but brought us to a table that was in the back of the restaurant, obscured away from the other guests. It ended up having quite a romantic aura to it, though. It was near large windows where we were at the top of a hill overlooking some of the nearby neighborhoods. There was enough darkness that the stars in the wintry night sky shone brightly overhead, and you could see endless amounts of them.

Despite the reactions from the staff and the people at the restaurant, things went really well. Alastor regained his soft side and told me I looked beautiful. I rested my feet on top of his and he took my hands, softly rubbing the tops of mine with his thumbs. “Have I ever told you that you have the softest skin I’ve ever felt?”

May I remind you again that this man is a cannibal?

“Uh…hah, I don’t think you have!” He definitely has. “But, thanks. I’m…I’m really lucky to have you.”

“You are, indeedy! I’ve had many, many women _fawn_ over me—ha, get it? But I chose you for…reasons.”

“Oh? What reasons?”

“We’ll talk about that later, dear. Drink some more wine.”

The one thing that bothered me is that any time I asked Alastor _why_ he treated me so differently, he always deflected and changed topics. I get that romance isn’t exactly his _thing_ —he’s a charmer, but he’s still trying to accept that he _can_ feel love towards someone and that it’s okay to be soft sometimes. In front of the others at the Hotel, he was becoming more comfortable with showing affection towards me. In public—which we didn’t go out in much due to me being a liability—he liked to show me off, like I was some kind of trophy, and that made me feel uncomfortable.

I knew some of his most vulnerable secrets. I knew who he _really_ was. Underneath all the charisma and the giant smile was someone with a lot of hurt, who misses his mother deeply, who knows he’s guilty of so much—unable to break those awful habits that led him to kill. He got to Hell and he knew he belonged here.

Not from pride.  
Not from vanity.  
He _knows_ he’s guilty and he _knows_ he has habits he can’t break.

So why do I get special treatment? It never made sense to me.

At first, things really were going smoothly on our date. Alastor ordered for me, actually taking the time to order the right food (and avoid the shrimp cocktail he wanted us to share since that wouldn’t have ended well for me). If I didn’t know any better, you’d think I was the most precious thing he’d ever seen. I very well might have been.

However, throughout the night, I started to notice that something wasn’t right. I was getting kind of a weird headache that felt like pressure building in my forehead, right around where my hairline was. Alastor had noticed me completely zoned out, staring vacantly into space. Anyone who had seen one might’ve thought I was having a seizure. I was brought back into real-time by the feeling of the back of Alastor’s gloved hand pressing against my forehead.

“You’re not well.”

“I’m fine,” I muttered.

“You’re burning up, my dear, and you’re pale. You’re not well.”

Pale, pff. My skin was already practically white.

I sighed. Alastor stood up and put his coat on, then indicated for me to follow suit. I put my coat and gloves on, then took his head, massaging my head as we left. He walked out without paying. “Hey!” yelled the host, “You better pay for that!”

I stood outside while Alastor dealt with the man, and all I could make out was his demon form creeping taller and more intimidating to threaten the man. I was too dizzy to even focus on it. Almost as suddenly as it appeared, it went away, and he was right next to me whisking me back to the hotel. Before I knew it, we were in his room, pajamas on, and I had a cold compress on my head while he made me a cup of tea and himself a cup of black coffee. I sipped on my tea while the compress sat, then laid back down, letting Alastor massage my head until I fell asleep.

That is, not before he noticed that there were two swollen red circles where I’d been in pain. Their distance from each other was suspicious indeed—and they were there, for sure—but neither of us could figure out what it was.

I sighed, but soon settled to sleep with Alastor massaging soothing circles into my head.

\--

_Calypso_

\--

God damn it.

I tried to argue with the Judge, I really did. He still thought I did something wrong! Bloody fookin’ bastard. I was framed, I knew I was. He wouldn’t believe me. He said, “You asked for this, trying to summon one of us.”

Bruh, I don’t even remember how I died.

I was banished, but for fookin’ what?

Hitting the pavement in the middle of fookin’ winter hurt far too much.

 _And_ I was fookin’ naked, my hair was over my face and a bloody mess…Ugh!

I had to find a place to stay, though. A hostel? A shack? I’d live in a fookin’ bin bag at this point.

A porn studio…?

Before I could ask, some weird guy came out and took me inside. I was presented to…some… _thing_ …bastard had to be the height of a bloody house.

“She’s perfect.”

I was then shoved into a room, shoved around a bit, then _all_ of my hair was shaved off except for a bit at the top, which was left somewhat long.

Royal purple and bright-ass red. Keep that in mind. You’d be able to spot me from a literal kilometre away. I’d probably stop traffic if I stood in the middle of the road—or get run over.

I also noticed that my eyes had these weird exes in the middle, and I had these _giant_ ears on top of my head. Everything that was happening was all a blur, and I felt sick to my stomach.

But my fookin’ hair! It was gone, all of it! _God damn it!_

And to make matters worse, I was forced into this God-awful suit that I didn’t want to wear. What was even the point of this? What was the tall purple man tryin’ to accomplish?!

Little did I know that this was going to be the start of the longest three months of my afterlife, and Valentino and his stupid suit were going to be the _least_ of my worries. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three POVs? Three POVs!
> 
> CW: Body image, unhealthy partnerships, violence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I toned down Calypso's narrations a bit because I felt it was a bit excessive last time. 
> 
> Enjoy.

_Calypso_

\--

I didn’t sleep that night. There was no point in it. I rolled around and counted ceiling tiles and made sure I still had ten fingers, but I never slept. Somehow, I felt fine. I felt like I didn’t need to.

When the sun rose, _then_ I started feeling tired. _What the fuck?_ I thought. Finally, _finally_! I fell asleep. Peaceful, wonderful sleep that only lasted an hour or so until I was rudely awakened by _someone_ who decided I had to work now.

Work?! I barely even arrived here! And now I’m being put to work.

First order of business: Apparently I was getting a tattoo. Some lad with a tattoo gun pinned me down to a table and put something on my neck. That shit _hurt_ , like, a lot. It felt like 300 wasps stinging me over and over and over again. I bit my bottom lip and tried not to focus on the pain, but it was _blinding_.

Next order of business: I, apparently, was going to find out what I was going to be doing.

Allow me to explain: _normally_ Valentino, if he picked up a girl from the side of the road like me, would’ve sent them to work in one of his strip clubs. When I was spotted, he realized that I didn’t have the _right body_ for that. I was, however, _perfect_ for another job.

So that’s how I found out that I’d be satisfying someone’s butch lesbian fantasies.

That wanker is lucky I’m pan, but _fookin’ hell_ , I still have standards.

The best part? I was forced to sign a contract _and_ I absolutely couldn’t say _no_ to anything. I wasn’t allowed to leave the premises without approved supervision, _even to find food_ , and I had to maintain an obscenely low weight.

Everything that I did had to be monitored—my hair, my clothes, what I ate, my social media (I didn’t even have a phone?), when I slept, who I hung out with (aka nobody except my roommate which I apparently was getting), when I worked…shall I continue?

And you’ll never _believe_ what happened when I was asked my name.

“My name’s Ca—"

“Calypso it is!”

I had no reply because _how the **fuck** did he figure this out so fast?_ I guess he wanted my name to sound like a fruity drink. Which, by the way, I wasn’t allowed to drink beer, either! I could drink _anything else_ , but no beer. Publicly being pissed wasn’t an option, either—I had to “control myself” in front of others.

Hilarious coming from the guy who was making me get approval before I went anywhere.

By the time I returned to my flat, I was exhausted—yet I _just_ couldn’t sleep, especially when my roommate came ‘round.

He was…something. I have no clue what kind of creature he was, but the man had a sense of humour that was equal parts offensive and clever. The moment I met him, he was cracking jokes and making me laugh ‘til my sides hurt. Then, when I told him about my day, and explained I didn’t feel tired at night, he had a simple answer.

“That’s because you’re a bat, sweetie.”

“A bat?!” I spat. “But I haven’t got win—"

“Hmm, they must come out when you’re actually in your full demon form, then!”

“My _what_?”

“Every demon has two forms: you have this,” he gestured to my body, “and you have a demonic form that’s more powerful. I guess it depends on who you are, like, some demons are more powerful than others. Like that…that Radio Demon guy? Yeah, you don’t wanna mess with him. He’ll eat you alive, literally. He’ll eat ya dead, too!”

“Wait, who?”

“Sheesh! You really are new here.”

“Two days—”

“So this guy. I’ve never met ‘im and I never want to. He’s been, uh, quiet recently. Nobody really knows what he’s been up to. I don’t think anyone _wants_ to know. He’s bad news! So, if you ever see red and deer antlers, _run_. ‘Cause the only thing he won’t do is chase ya down. If you don’t the last thing you’ll ever see of him is his creepy-ass smile.”

“Eh, sounds like a fairy tale to me. I could probably—”

“Oh no, he’s _very_ real. Are you even taking _any_ of this seriously?”

“Listen, I’ve seen some _shit_. I—”

“Well, you gotta. Hell isn’t supposed to be a fun place. You got it?”

“Well why do you make so many jokes, then?”

“First of all, I was a comedian when I was alive. Second, I _know_ how bad things can be here, so why not?”

“You’ve got a point.”

“How old did ya say you was?”

“20.”

“Fuck sake, honey. How bad d’ya gotta fuck up to get into Hell that early?”

“That’s the _thing_. I don’t think I sinned—”

He laughed. “You definitely sinned if you’re down here.”

“I mean…maybe excessive swearing?”

“Don’t all Irish people swear a lot?”

“I’m Scottish, you fucking nonce.”

I really loved living with an absolute dumbarse sometimes. We were rarely home at the same time—if you could call this piece-of-shet flat a “home”—he worked nights at the strip club and I was on a completely unbalanced schedule depending on whenever Valentino felt like putting me in a film. I was, to quote him directly, “the worst porn actress he’d ever seen.”

I really hoped he’d never make me dance for something.

The times we did spend together were awful and amazing in all of the best ways. When I was tired from a long day at work, he would crack jokes to cheer me up. He’d often do my makeup while giving me life advice—the only time I could actually wear the stuff and have _some_ semblance of what I was missing. If I came home or woke up in the dead of night crying—if he was home—he’d comfort me and we’d drink wine together.

Valentino _would never_.

I just wished I’d known what had happened to me and _why_ I was down here, exactly.

\--

_Alastor_

\--

**You know, I really never thought I would be in this position right now—waking up ( _ehem_ , “waking up”) with someone half my height curled up next to me, actually sleeping. Something about watching her sleep was strangely charming to me. I keep asking myself, “Alastor, what did you do to get to this point? Why have you strayed off your path? Why have you changed?” Well, darling, let me tell you: I didn’t. Nothing has changed and I am absolutely fine!**

**Well, except for Eden. I can read every sinner like a darn book.**

**Except for Eden.**

**When I first met her, everything about her was an anomaly—how could something so sweet end up down here, yet also have the capacity to be more terrifying than anything I could imagine? I suppose you could say we have been going steady for about a year now, and I still don’t know if her intentions are true. You know, the whole reason I pestered her for so long was because she fascinated me so.**

**And she still does.**

**Now, most of you know I don’t do this whole “love” thing. Why, the only person I have ever loved—and still do, to this day—was my own mother. Eden makes me feel seasick. And you know what? I surely cannot tell you if that’s a good thing or if it’s simply dreadful. All I know is that some bastard out there was so cruel as to place me on a pirogue and send it full speed through the bayou. Not that I have _motion sickness_ or anything. No siree, couldn’t possibly be me,**

**So, let us set the scene, shall we? It is the morning after St. Valentine’s, and no, we have not spent the night getting…intimate, if you will. Rather, I had spent the whole night with Eden by my side, finally sleeping mere hours ago after a night of these…weird fits. I have never seen anything like it! Perhaps if she rested, I thought, she would feel better in the morning. That’s how my mother used to handle headaches! Surely this would work the same.**

**Alright, I do need to be honest—I will never tire of her voice in the morning when she has first opened her eyes. It is quite adorable. It certainly is no wonder why she enjoys “cuddling” so much—why, someone _this_ adorable is just precious enough to eat!**

**Calm down, I know what you’re thinking. _No_ , I do not plan on making a meal out of Eden anytime soon. I have tasted her flesh before, and it was rather unpleasant, though she smells delightful all of the time. **

**So remember when I said that my solution of Eden sleeping should help her head? Well, it was all going just swell until Vagatha so rudely interrupted my cooking of breakfast with a simple question:**

**“Alastor, why the f**k is your girlfriend trying to ram the wall right now?”**

**Why, I nearly dropped my spatula! Yes indeed, something _strange_ was occurring, and I had to get to the bottom of this! There was just one little problem: I didn’t have the slightest idea of what had started all of this.**

**Fortunately (and unfortunately, as you will come to know very soon), the Princess of Hell herself had a ridiculous answer!**

\--

_Eden_

\--

Really, the only thing that felt good on my head was constantly pressing it against something, and the wall seemed like the best place to get some relief. I couldn’t even sit through breakfast because I kept ramming Alastor’s arm, and when he politely asked me to stop, I started doing it to Angel, who was just as confused as everybody else.

When breakfast was over, Charlie whisked me away to one of the offices off the lobby and sat me down. I knew exactly what was coming—she had some demonic wisdom to bestow upon me. And _oh boy,_ did she look excited about it.

“Your horns are coming in!” she practically shrieked.

“My what?” I responded, gingerly touching my forehead and realizing that there were bumps there. “But why?”

“Basically,” she cleared her throat, “I think I know what’s happening! You are a succubus!”

“I thought I was a gazelle?”

“You can be both, Eden. What’s happening right now is a transformation.”

She made _transformation_ sound so magical.

She continued, “You’re getting your permanent horns in and you’ll probably end up with ears, too. So, the bad news is that the next several months are going to suck, and I mean, _really_ suck. You humans have that thing called…puberty, is it? Yeah, this is like a second puberty. Don’t get surprised if you suddenly get a _lot_ of cravings for junk food and a lot of weird pains and stuff like that.”

“But aren’t you a succubus too? You’re older than me. Why don’t you have this stuff yet?”

“Well, I’m only _half_ succubus. It’s not guaranteed that I’ll have a transformation. But anyway, in addition to all of that stuff you might…uh…get…hm… you know, you might want to…”

“Have sex?”

“Yes, that. And you’ll be able to have a baby, too!”

“Well, I want a baby, but I don’t think Alastor does…”

“Oh, this is awkward,” Charlie said under her breath before returning to her usual perky self, “So the only way for that to even work is for Alastor to be on his…uh…season…they don’t tell sinners that because they don’t want it to happen and it’s also really, really rare that it even happens so, uh, yeah!”

Did she even take a single breath?

“So do you think I should talk to Alastor about it? I mean, surely he’ll find a way if he really wants a kid…”

“It wouldn’t hurt,” Charlie shrugged. “Anyway, here’s this stack of forms I need you to staple. You’re on light duty today. Six pages each and just come find me when it’s done.”

“Sounds good to me.”

I stapled those forms for what seemed like _hours_ before finally finishing them up, my hand cramping from the number of times I’d pressed down on that stapler. When I entered the lobby, I didn’t even notice that Grumpy Gilbert had made his way downstairs and had taken a seat at the bar.

Now, let me tell you about Grumpy Gilbert. His name’s just Gilbert, but he’s quite possibly the most miserable guest at the hotel right now. He makes _Husk_ seem happy with how things are going. Grumpy Gilbert loves to crack jokes at the expense of others, physically bully guests, and threaten you for looking at him the wrong way. He made it very clear that he _did not_ like me. I’d never spoken to him.

Sure enough, today was my turn to be his punching bag. I didn’t notice that he’d stuck his leg out and, too late, I tumbled to the floor and sent all the papers I’d spent all that time stapling flying into the air and scattered about the lobby, along with my glasses. Before I could move, Gilbert had lifted me by the collar of my dress and started punching me square in the nose over and over again, and when I heard it crack, I realized how much damage he’d done.

I didn’t even feel the blood gushing all over my face and my dress.

Suddenly, there was a flash of red and I was dropped to the ground. Sure enough, there was Alastor, now towering over the man with the most nightmare-inducing smile I’d ever seen. I wanted to run but I was in too much pain. All I could do is stare while Alastor threatened the man.

“You know, I don’t take too kindly to those who take advantage of weaker beings,” he hissed, radio static crackling. “And I _especially_ do not take kindly to men who believe it is okay to strike a woman!”

As Alastor’s figure twisted into a more distorted, tall figure, I froze and watched as his entire being consumed Gilbert, however I never saw the conclusion of this as I felt a small hand grab me and pull me into the kitchen. In no time, I was hovering over the sink as Vaggie checked my face. “¡ _Hijo de puta!_ ” she cursed under her breath. “It’s broken.”

“How do you—ow—know that?” I asked, wincing in pain.

“I’ve seen it many times,” Vaggie replied as she went into the freezer to get me some ice. “Now, hold this on your nose and _do not move_.”

Honestly, at this point, most of what was happening was a blur. All I remember was some weird doctor coming into the kitchen and sitting me on a chair, shooing Alastor (who was now completely calm, but covered in blood, and I didn’t know if it was Gilbert’s or my own, nor did I want to know) out of the room, then Vaggie sitting next to me. Without doing anything, the doctor pinched my nose and examined it haphazardly, putting a splint on it, giving me a bottle of pills, and leaving without a word.

I sat there speechless. I probably looked ridiculous- my glasses were still missing, my yellow dress _and_ my clean white sweater were covered in blood, and I kind of just sat there with my mouth agape. For real—I couldn’t process what the _hell_ had just happened, and I was certain I already looked ridiculous. Scratch that—this _entire_ ordeal was ridiculous. Gilbert had no reason to hit me—he just felt like it!

Alastor came back into the room and put my glasses back on my face (fortunately they had survived the punch and Alastor’s wrath). He then walked me upstairs and waited in my room while I showered. When I got out, I checked my forehead. It was then that I noticed that there were two little maroon spots in the middle of both of the lumps, poking out like your adult teeth do when they grow in after you lose a baby tooth. The skin around them was dry.

It occurred to me just then—Charlie had never told me how to take care of my skin or my horns when this was happening! I sighed and figured a little bit of lotion wouldn’t hurt, then wrapped a towel around my body and left the bathroom. Alastor looked away when I changed into pajamas. It wasn’t even dinner time yet and I was about to clock out for the day.

“You need to take your medicine, love,” Alastor said. Hearing this from him honestly sent a shiver down my spine. I took the pill bottle from him and took two as instructed. He sat with me while I rested, stroking my hair. When I felt more relaxed, I turned to him and asked him drunkenly, “Hey, Al? You think you’d want to have a baby with me?”

I was deadpan, totally serious. Alastor chuckled, “Oh, _goodness_! Eden, sweetheart, those painkillers are making you quite silly.”

“But Aaaaaaallllll—”

“Go to sleep, Eden. I will bring your supper up in an hour.”

“Fiiiiiiine.”

I all but passed out soon after and woke up to the sight of a bowl of hot chicken noodle soup being delivered to me on a tray. I ate the soup grumpily, still not fully with it.

However, the thought never left me—how was I supposed to tell Alastor that I was serious about wanting a baby?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW- Valentino

_Eden_

\--

I ate my soup quietly, Alastor watching me and waiting for me to say something, _anything_. It was quite unnerving, now that I think about it. I swear, his eyes even lit up a bit as if he was curious about something. So, I slurped up another noodle and tilted my head. “Can I help you?”

“Why, you’ve been so quiet this whole time, darling!”

“I’m not exactly in a talkative mood, honey.”

“Nonsense. Surely you’ve got _something_ on your mind.”

_Oh no_.

“Fine. I do.”

“Is that so?”

“Can I finish my soup first?”

“Fine.”

I continued to consume the soup without saying anything, and Alastor _still_ watched me. When I finished it—less gracefully than I care to admit— I finally went to ask Alastor the question again, for real this time.

“So, you know how I asked you about having a baby together before I fell asleep?”

“Yes?”

“Well uh…”

Alastor’s voice sounded dry. “Y-you were serious about that…”

“Yeah…”

“ _No…_ ”

“Uh-huh.”

“Eden.”

“Alastor?”

“I—hmm…”

Alastor was beside himself. I could tell that he didn’t know what to make of my request. For a very long moment, he sat and thought. Surely, my request was absurd to him, and I knew as much. Would he at least give me a chance?

“Well?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“Eden, this is not something that simple. There is a lot you must consider here, one being that sinners can’t even reproduce!”

“They can, though! Charlie told me earlier that if we are both in our mating cycles at the same time, then it is possible.”

Alastor laughed a hearty, “Ha!”

“It is!”

“Do you realize how unlikely that is, my love?”

“I mean…it’s still possible.”

“Furthermore, do you know what we have to _do_ in order to conceive a child?” Alastor scooted in close to me then leaned in to whisper in my ear, “ _Sex_.”

“I **_know_**.”

“An action I am not particularly fond of, my dear.”

“I know. I’m not either. But…would you at least _consider_ it?”

“Well…I don’t suppose having a demonic being that is partially my own creation would be the _worst_ thing. Why, a hellspawn with my charm and charisma with your grace and beauty might be a wonderous creation!”

“So you’ll do it, then?”

“Ha! No.”

“ ** _Alastor_.**”

“I will **consider** it.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you, _thank you_!” I pulled him into a huge hug. “I love you!”

“I…love you too, my sweet,” he kissed my cheek.

I was _thrilled_ that he was at least going to consider my request, even though it was going to be hard for him.

\--

_Vaggie_

\--

You know, it’s not every day you come back from Hellbucks with your girlfriend to the Radio Demon himself waiting to ask about demon babies. I swear, things get weirder and weirder every day I’m down here.

It took Alastor five _entire_ minutes to explain to Charlie, his reason for wanting a baby and what he wanted to do about it. I was so frustrated listening to this conversation that I nearly ripped my hair out. If there was an award for beating around the bush, Alastor would’ve won it twice by now. Like, oh my _god_ , he kept going in circles trying to explain the exact same thing three times over with different fancy wording.

My attention to the conversation was quickly diverted when I realized Angel had been standing next to me for Satan knows _how_ long. “You hearin’ this shit?” he asked, laughing.

“Shh!” I scolded. “We’re not even supposed to be listening to this.”

“So why are ya here then?”

“Oh, never mind, Angel.”

“Don’t play stupid, Vags, you wanna get the juicy deets.”

“…You win. Look, if he _ever gets_ to the point—”

“Shut up! Listen!”

It was then that I realized _why_ Angel shut me up. I listened _very_ closely to what Charlie and Alastor were saying at this point.

“Alastor, just _get to the point_ already!”

Alastor paused.

“What I’m trying to say is…Eden wants to have a baby with me!”

I spat my latte all over the carpet. “ **What?!** ”

Angel was rolling on the floor laughing. I was the least bit amused. I was still very iffy about Eden even dating him. But to have a _baby_ with him? Was that even possible?! I didn’t know what to think! All I knew was that Eden was in _way_ too deep, and something about this was bothering me. It could’ve been that I don’t like kids, and I _knew_ that one of them was going to try to get me to babysit for them. It also could’ve been because Alastor is…well, Alastor. I could barely trust him in general, let alone with a baby. I also knew that Charlie was going to come to me with this news and when I explained to her how I was feeling, she was _absolutely_ going to tell me to “give it a chance” and that “maybe Alastor won’t be so bad at this!”

I _badly_ wanted her to prove me wrong. So much, in fact, that I completely missed Charlie convincing Alastor that he should try to have a baby with Eden. I’m not joking—he was _sold_ on that idea.

Now, if only Charlie could convince sinners to come to the hotel like she could convince Alastor to have babies…

\--

_Calypso_

\--

By two weeks into being Valentino’s personal slave, I had already had enough. Everything I did for him was useless. Every film I was in, every hour of work—all for nothing. I didn’t even want to be doing this, but if I was going to be forced to do these stupid films, it would’ve been useful to coach me in acting or have someone teach me how to speak with a “sultry American accent” like he wanted me to. Apparently, you can’t be sexy if you have a Scottish accent.

Great.

On this particular day, I was shooting a film which involved me having to eat food off of my co-star’s body. It seems that the list of things I wasn’t comfortable doing was entirely disregarded—totally meaningless to that stupid moth pimp.

“I’m not doing that,” I said when I was told what would be happening next.

“Why not, Callie-boo?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“It’s in the contract, dollface. You signed up for this.”

“I signed up for **nothing**!” I stomped my foot. “ _You’re_ the one who nabbed me off the side of the fookin’ street and forced me to do this.”

“You had the _image_ I needed. And I need you to cooperate with me,” Valentino got right in my face, so close that I could smell the strawberry-flavoured tobacco he’d been smoking on his breath. “And if you don’t, you’re gonna have a _bad_ time. Of course, you don’t want that now, do you? Now, be an obedient little girl and eat your dinner.”

At that point, I couldn’t contain myself anymore, and I snapped. “Fuck yourself!”

Before Valentino could stop me, I put on the plush housecoat and slippers that were given to me that morning and left. I didn’t even bother to grab my clothes. I didn’t want them, anyway. I walked through the chilly night back to my flat and as soon as I got inside, put on a huge t-shirt I’d nabbed from my roommate over clean knickers and got into my bed, bursting into tears the moment my head hit the pillow. I rolled onto my stomach and cried heavily into my pillow. Suddenly, I felt something surround my shoulders and head—the wings I should’ve had as a bat. You know, because that makes logical sense.

The wings only really stayed for a minute or so before retracting again when my roommate returned from…wherever he’d been.

He sat next to me on my bed and put a hand on my shoulder. “Rough day?”

“No shit, Harry” I sniffed, then sat up. “I’m sick and I’m tired of Valentino’s bullshit.”

“Callie, I am so sorry you have to go through this.”

“What did I do to deserve this, Harry? Tell me—”

“You know, I’m asking myself the same thing. The more time I spend around you the more I realize shit don’t add up here.”

“I’m just looking for a sign, anything… Harry, I don’t know how much longer I can handle this…”

“Callie, Callie, Callie. I’ve known you for…fuck, two? Three weeks now? Babe, you are brave and you are strong as _fuck_.”

“I mean, I did tell Val to go fuck himself _right_ to his face today.”

“No shit? I’m fuckin’ impressed he didn’t throw a shitfit and exterminate you himself.”

“Exterminate? You mean…”

“What, you really think you can die twice?”

“Mate, I dunno. I never went to church, ya think I know this sh—”

“You’ve got a _lot_ to learn, kid. Either way, that sign you’re looking for might be closer than ya think…”

“I dunno, I feel like I’m trapped here for good…”

Little did I know, that sign I was looking for, and the _perfect_ escape, was not all that far off…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JSYK the next three or so chapters are going to be exclusively Calypso-focused. Next chapter is going to be all OC content besides some foreshadowing and references to what's already happened.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's almost chaos time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today. The next three chapters are Calypso-focused, but don't worry! The two plots are going to merge soon :) 
> 
> TW for abusive behavior from Val.

_Calypso_

\--

_3 months later…_

I collapsed during a shoot and he sent me home.

No, that’s not fully correct. I collapsed during a shoot, Val made _fun_ of me, and the poor camera guy sent me home when Val wasn’t looking.

You all know how he had been treating me. I wasn’t eating nearly enough and above all of that, I was overworked and stressed. The thing is, by now I felt _nothing_. I was a shell of the person I was when I was alive. I hadn’t had even a second to try to figure out what had happened to me— _what_ exactly I had done to get down here in the first place.

I remember exactly what I was told when it was being decided if I would be sent to Heaven or banished to Hell. Being blamed for “trying to summon” one of them. What does that even mean? That was the one thought that haunted me for these first three months.

Back to collapsing, though. Do you know that feeling you get when you stand up too fast? Take that feeling and extend it out, and then add in your vision slowly fading to black and everything sounding like you’re underwater. Then, your body gets _hot_ , and I mean, really hot, and you feel weak. This happened to me while getting closer to the _action_ , if you know what I mean. Val was giving me directions and I couldn’t make coherent sense of them.

Next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and Val was screaming at me to get up while the rest of the crew tried to figure out what to do. The least Val did was bring me a glass of room-temperature water (even after I requested it cold). Then, the insults flew. He told me I’m good for absolutely nothing, that I’m wasting his time. I’m stupid, I’m rude, I’m disobedient.

I couldn’t say it, but I wanted to quit then. I _know_ Val would’ve manipulated me into coming back, though. Deep down inside I know that that stupid fuck needs me because he can’t find anyone else to fill this kinda role.

Bold of him to assume I’d want to come back, though.

So anyway, I had my clothes this time around. We hadn’t even gotten to the part where I took them off. When I came to, I went home, and I’m certain everyone else did, too.

As I was walking back home, I stepped on a wet piece of paper that stuck to my shoe. I picked it up and glanced it over, just enough to make out the smeared remnants of the phrase “fucked over.” I dunno what I was thinking, but at that moment, I thought that maybe the paper could be good for scrap or something.

When I got back to my flat I was completely empty. No feeling at all. Nothing. I stared at the ceiling.

Harry came back a little after I did and the first thing he asked when he came home was, “You good?”

“ ** _No!_** ” I blurted out. “Do I fookin’ look okay to ye?!”

“…Didn’t think it’d hurt to ask. Sheesh.”

“Look, I’m so close to quitting this job it’s not even funny.”

“But…but you do realize you can’t leave even if you tried?”

“ _Watch me_.”

Harry laughed. “You ain’t even got nowhere to go, kid!”

“Oh yeah?”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the crumpled remnants of the poster I’d found on the ground. I un-crumpled it and showed it to Harry. “Well, what about _this_?”

“Oh… _honey_ …”

“You reckon this could help me?”

“They’re _imps_!”

“And?”

“To put it bluntly, they’re pretty fuckin’ stupid.”

“So I’m not allowed to have trust in them yet?” I said, looking at the poster. “I dunno this bloke,” I pointed to the imp in the front, “but he seems trustworthy.”

“And besides this, how’re you gonna leave without Val noticing?”

I shrugged.

“Look, Callie. It’s hopeless. You ain’t getting out of here. Not yet, not for a while. Accept it!”

“Fuck no!”

As much as I fought Harry, though…he was right. I wasn’t getting out of there. Even if I quit, Val was still going to come back and keep doing exactly what he’s been doing to me.

And that hurt to think about.

However, my chance came literally two days later when Val had announced he’d be going on holiday for the week starting the next day. I had to tell Harry the news, and while I packed my shit, he bought me a bus ticket to Imp City which was for, in his own words, “the ass-crack of dawn.”

Perfect.

All of my things were packed and ready to go in no time—I didn’t have much, so it all fit into a backpack. I was going to leave my phone behind so Val couldn’t track me down. I was supposed to have off this week, but Val knew exactly where I was at all times. I couldn’t let him know. So, the phone stayed.

I’d get a new one, anyway.

In the morning, Harry drove me to the bus station, which was almost completely empty. Before I boarded the bus, Harry turned me around and told me one last thing.

“You’re one strong chick, Callie. Remember that.”

Harry hugged me.

“Thank you,” I said, then waved as I turned to get on the bus. In 18 hours’ time, I’d be walking through the office doors of the Immediate Murder Professionals.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calypso tries to get answers with few answers. 
> 
> Plus...IMP cameo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter, but we will return to multiple POVs next chapter. Sorry for the late update, I had NO motivation to write this week.   
> This is still Calypso's POV.

The bus stunk of mouldy cheese, and I had to deal with that shit for 18 hours with one stop.

I _hated_ every moment of it.

Most of the sinners on the bus were complete _arseholes_ too. Like, sweet Satan, if I wasn’t so damn tired, I would’ve slapped all of them. Like, I seriously don’t want to get into the names I was called. It was _ridiculous_.

At some point it dawned on me: They’d seen my films, and, _oh joy_ , I had to find out that way that I was _actually_ that bad, like, for real. Like, I knew I was bad at acting, but Christ on _several_ fuckin’ bikes, you’d think I’d never left the house with how they were talking about it.

I thank my lucky stars that Val never made me dance.

Now, it was during the one stop we made that I encountered this “Radio Demon” bloke that Harry had been telling me about. He wasn’t physically _there_ , but there were posters of him outside the petrol station, and…my FUCKING god was he terrifying looking.

I really hoped I’d never cross paths with him, because honestly? As much as I didn’t want to be in Hell, I wanted to die for the second time _far_ less.

On the second leg of the trip, I finally got some much-needed sleep. Like, _really_ deep sleep. I never sleep like that on buses or in cars—especially ones that stink so bad—but my exhaustion took over and let me rest.

This rest, however, was not without a nightmare that shook me to my core.

\--

_I remember longboarding down the street toward my university, backpack on, just as I always had done every day. I lived less than a mile away, and on warm, sunny days—which are RARE in Scotland—it’s the best form of transportation. My knees were scraped from a bad fall I had. Yeah, I fell really bad a few days before I died. I **do** remember that. And shit, it hurt._

_So anyway, I could see the building I needed to go to right ahead. Only, there was a problem—the road had opened up and there was a fiery pit in front of me with slabs of road I had to hop on to cross. The first few were easy-peasy. I had no problem with the size of the gaps. As I got across more, though, I realised that I had to really jump to get over. One particularly bad landing sent my longboard into the depths. I was **pissed**. But I kept going._

_Then, one bad jump made me miss my landing completely. I slipped and fell backwards into the pit._

_The fall seemed endless._

_I lost my entire backpack somewhere in that process._

_Then, I was in the middle of a courtroom surrounded by faceless figures, and the Judge that I had met on my first day of the afterlife._

_Heated debates happened._

_I was confused._

_I cried and got yelled at for crying._

_Then, the Judge came to me with a verdict:_

**_Cailean Flanigan, we sentence you to eternity in Hell for the sin of worshipping false idols and disrupting the peaceful rest of good souls._ **

_I tried to argue my innocence, but they would have none of it._

_And so I was banished._

_Ripped apart to become a skeleton._

_And then, I landed._

_Deep black, nothing around._

_And then my own conscious faded to nothing._

\--

When I woke up, I felt _deeply_ distraught.

The dream told me nothing important, but I felt fear. Maybe I _had_ sinned after all. But the question stood: what exactly _had_ I done?

Answers that I hoped I’d be able to get from I.M.P. And, as Imp City came into view, I realised that this was _truly_ it.

That place was fuckin’ filthy.

I was dropped off on the complete opposite side of town, and the looks I got from pedestrians on the street made me realize one thing: I was _not_ welcome there.

Keeping my guard up, I continued following the map. Hours later, I had made it to the looming tower that housed my destination. I went inside and took the janky-as-sin elevator to the 6th floor—suite 666, fittingly enough, was where I.M.P. was located.

I rudely burst through the door, and the imp sitting at the front desk, who had clearly been in the middle of an important phone call, nearly shat his pants. He promptly slammed his phone down.

“Do you have an appointment?” he asked accusingly.

“No, but I have a problem,” I replied, a bit snarkier than intended.

The imp sighed. “What can I do for ya?” he crossed his arms.

“I don’t know what I did to get down here. All I know is that I shouldn’t be here.”

“Ah, classic. Amnesia. Right, so tell me, what’s your legal name?”

“My legal name? Cailean Flanigan.”

“Yeah, right,” he said, hovering his claws over the keyboard of his computer. “Wait…how do you spell that?”

I groaned, then spelled it for him. He searched my name, then his eyes narrowed as he read what looked like a profile on me. “Well, that’s odd.”

“What is?” I asked.

“There’s no reason given on your profile here.”

“Wait, we have a profile on us?!”

“Every sinner has that, kid. It’s supposed to say your sin, but yours just has a…” he looked closer to the screen, “not app…not…app…lie…ca…ble…?”

“Not applicable?”

“Yeah, that.”

“What the fook does that mean?!”

“I don’t know! I’ve never seen it before. Tell ya what, I’ll take your name down and call you when we have more info.”

I watched him sift through his desk drawer for a pen, and pull out a very dodgy-looking one. He started writing down my name on a sticky note, then paused. “What’s your name again?”

“You can just call me Calypso. C-A-L-Y-P-S—”

“You’re the actress in those God-awful porn movies!!”

Fuuuuuuuck. I felt my face run hot.

“Unfortunately.”

He finished writing my name, and I noticed what he’d done with it. He’d spelled it Calypsø.

“What’s with the O?” I asked.

“Well, you never finished spelling your name, so I crossed out the O. So you’re Calypsø—the O is silent.”

“And what’s your name?”

“Oh! Right, I never gave you an introduction.” He held out his hand and shook mine aggressively. “Blitzø! The O is silent.”

“Oh, God. Well, anyway…” I retracted my hand, “Can I just have your name and number so if I…remember anything, I can just call you?”

“You don’t have a phone?”

I leaned in and lowered my voice, “I do but I’m trying to avoid Valentino.”

“Ah, that rat. Your secret is safe with me, Calypso.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking one of his business cards from the little metal frame on his desk. As I did, I heard someone angrily yell, “What the **fuck**?!” from another room, but before I could get the _Hell_ out of there, a white hellhound burst through the door.

“Loonie!” Blitzø greeted nervously, but smiled.

“You were talking to Stolas again?!” she spat, pointing a clawed finger in his face. I stood in the corner awkwardly, waiting for a good time to slip away.

“N-no…of course not!”

“Are you fucking stupid? I can _literally_ see the phone logs. How many times do you need to be told that I can _see the **fucking** phone logs_ on our business line?!”

“Well…” he glanced at me, indicating that it was time for me to go. When I had my chance, I slipped out the door, reading over the business card one last time before shoving it into my backpack and heading back to the bus station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm preparing for my first teacher certification exam and preparing my first long-form lesson for student teaching so I will try to squeeze in writing as much as I can. Hopefully I will be able to find some time to write this week. I want to try to get two chapters in next week since I won't be able to update the following week.


	6. Chapter 6

I felt quite defeated as I left the building. I had no will left to exist. I just kinda…went to the bus station and bought me a ticket back to Pentagram City. I had a number I could call just in case (but with what phone?), but it didn’t seem very likely that I’d ever get to try to get closure again.

Fuckin’ Hell, man.

The bus ride back was considerably less smelly— _sort of_ musty, but nowhere near as bad—but it also felt so, so much longer than the last time.

I felt lonely.

And to make things worse, it fuckin’ _poured_ rain the entire way back, and it was still going once we arrived. I didn’t own a jacket or an umbrella or anything, so, of course, I was _soaked_ when I got back. Now, I needed to find somewhere to stay.

One thing was for sure—I would _not_ be returning to that dingy flat that Val stuck me in. It’d be too easy.

I wandered around and mucked about for a few hours trying every last motel and hostel in the area. Everything seemed like a sham or a set-up, and I was _not_ about to go through abuse again.

At a café in town, I saw a beautifully illustrated poster that caught my eye, and almost spoke to me in all the ways I needed it to:

**VISIT THE FABULOUS HAZBIN HOTEL!**

It had me at “free food.” I was sold. I snatched the poster off the wall (and the owner _welcomed_ this) and found the address, then tried my best to navigate this unfamiliar territory to where the hotel was. It was _huge_ , and at the time, I thought that it’d have no vacancy.

I’m sure they wouldn’t mind someone like me coming ‘round for a few beers, though. I don’t bite.

So, I found the place, and by that point, the rain had completely drenched me through every layer of clothing I had on. I was _freezing_. I wasn’t even sure if the few sets of clothing I had taken with me were dry, either. Guess I’d find out if I managed to get a room.

I knocked on the door and a woman’s voice called, “Come in!”. I opened it and stepped in, really hoping that I wouldn’t upset the owner if I had soaked the carpets. I was greeted by five demons all turning their heads toward me, and a blur of blue and purple starting to run off, but the red demon next to it grabbing it by its purple and blue dress and pulling it back toward him, a big hand appearing around her waist and pulling her in closer.

I _immediately_ recognised the red demon, but before I could ream him, the blonde demon that had been standing off to one side approached me. I had my mouth opened to say, “ **You** —” but was cut off by her shrill voice squealing. Immediately afterwards, she grabbed my arm and brought me upstairs and told me to “take a hot shower and put on dry clothes.”

Funny joke, I probably didn’t have any.

So, I took the shower as instructed then opened my bag, praying my clothes had survived. By _some miracle_ , they were totally dry.

So I changed. My only other pair of trousers that I owned were slim-fit khakis that I honestly didn’t hate. No jacket, a light pink shirt, and I guess suspenders would make the closest thing to my favourite dungarees that I missed dearly.

No bowtie, either. Not doing it.

I also didn’t have dry shoes to put on, somehow, so I went downstairs in just socks. It was kind of comical, if you ask me. First order of business? Grab a fuckin’ beer. I needed it, and that cat at the bar looked like he could give me something good.

“A Honeycrisp IPA for me.”

“Nice choice, kid,” he said as he slid the bottle down the bar to me with such skill. I reckoned this was the only thing he actually wanted to do. As I was drinking, I could _feel_ the Radio Demon watching me. I think he saw me as a threat.

I was quite literally the most non-threatening demon in Hell, but okay.

I drank in awkward silence as the others in the room watched me, waiting for me to say something. Surely someone would say something soon?

Maybe?

\--

_Angel Dust_

\--

Man, this new kid had something about ‘em, and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I’ve never seen anyone as uncomfortable, and I don’t think the rain outside was helping ‘em, either.

I dunno what it is about these demons that keep coming here, but every so often, we get an _anomaly_ or somethin’. Eden was the first one. Ya know that she didn’t say a damn thing when she first came here. Then we found out that she _can_ talk—she just don’t like doing it. We also found out that she ain’t the sugarplum we thought she was. I ain’t never saw it, but I guess she could erase all of us if she wanted to. And let’s be honest—that scares the shit outta me, and it should scare you, too.

Now, this new person— _definitely_ a chick, she sounds like one, anyway, and has an accent. I have no idea where it’s from but that ain’t the point. She drank her beer like a damn _champ_ , and didn’t seem the slightest bit drunk after three IPAs, whatever the fuck that is.

Charlie finally came back downstairs and chewed this poor kid’s ears off for a half an hour, then finally left her alone. It was when she made me get her a key to her room that I noticed the tattoo on the back of her neck.

One I was too familiar with.

So, I decided it was time.

“Hey kid. Uh. Can we talk upstairs?”

“Yeah man,” she replied. “Come with me.”

\--

_Eden_

\--

There was a new person in the Hotel.

Time to start this whole process all over again.

\--

_Calypso_

\--

“Hey kid. Uh. Can we talk upstairs?”

When I let us into my room, I found out _why_ a conversation was about to happen.

“You’re one of Val’s.”

I was stunned by this. I’d been inside of this stupid hotel for literally an hour and this weird-ass spider (I think it was a spider?) knew my entire fookin’ life story.

“You know?” I asked, really confused. “The fuck?”

“That tattoo on the back of your neck, kid.”

Oh, fuck. That thing. I could still feel the pain, and it had been three months. I swear on me mum that it was done by someone who couldn’t be arsed to do a good job. Did Moth Boy™ do this to everyone he “owned” (I ask as if he paid for our labour. He didn’t.)? I never paid enough attention to notice. Sure enough, he turned around and showed me an identical heart tattoo to mine, also on the back of his neck.

“No shit?!” I cried. “I…I had a feeling you were Angel Dust, but…you’re _here_? Anyway—"

“First of all,” he said emphatically, pointing a finger up in the air, “I already know what you went through, so ya don’t need to tell me. Second, I can tell you don’t want to be dressed like this. I know this is all a part of his _plan_ for ya.”

“No, I really don’t. _He cut off all my hair_.”

“Eh, probably needed a butch to fulfill something. Are you even into other women?”

“Funnily enough, he did. And he had me. And yes, I like girls. And boys. I don’t really care, to be honest.”

“Ah, _one of those,_ eh?”

“You’re not helping.”

“ _Anyway_ , you ain’t walking like someone who is comfortable. You’re stiff and all hunched over.”

“Yeah, no shit. This is the only clothing I own and I hate it. I would rather be bum-arse naked.”

“Well, you and Eden are the same size, you’re just taller. Maybe she wouldn’t mind—”

“Who’s Eden?”

“The one that don’t talk. Smile’s girl?”

“They’re **dating?!** ”

“I guess you could call it that,” he chuckled.

“If I wore her clothes,” I fell backwards onto the bed dramatically, “He’d _actually_ kill me. I’ll um. I’ll wait.”

“Wait ‘til when, toots?”

“I…I don’t fookin’ know!”

“I mean, you could wait a couple of months. Charlie’s having an engagement party, finally. Hah, guess she popped the question on Valentine’s Day and we _just_ found out right before you came! Oh, and her parents are coming. Ya know, the King and Queen of Hell?”

“ _Oh no_ ,” I murmured.

“Relax, kid. It’s a good thing nobody gives a shit about if ya pay for stuff down here!”

“The fuck’s that supposed to mean, Angel?”

“We could get you a whole closet full of stuff tomorrow!”

“Fair enough.”

“By the way, what can I call ya?”

“Um. Well, I’m called Cailean, but Calypso or Callie is fine.”

“You’re Callie to me. Now, if ya need anything, I’m in room 420.”

“Ayyyy.”

“What?”

“Nothing. I’ll…I’ll come find you.”

Angel left and I lay in bed forever waiting for sleep to come. I actually didn’t know what time it was, and I had no clock nor a phone to help me out. So, I let sleep come.

The thought of Angel taking me anywhere to shop scared me because at any moment, Val could catch both of us and do awful things to us. I didn’t know Angel’s situation, but I assumed it was similar to mine. I was also overwhelmed by the expectation that I had to be at the engagement party at the end of the week. I barely knew anyone there, yet I was expected to be prepared to meet Hell’s Royal Family in just a few days?

Sweet Satan, this was all too much.

At some point, I heard a voice that clearly belonged to the Radio Demon, followed by a much quieter, mousey voice. I pressed my ear to the wall and listened in.

“I’ll meet you upstairs then?”

“Sounds delightful, darling.”

“Actually, can you wait for me in here?”

“I don’t mind waiting, sweetheart.”

I waited about twenty-five minutes, then the conversation started up again.

“I’m ready!”

“Alright, my dear. Shall we?”

“We shall. Oh, by the way, I really can’t wait to see your new suit tomorrow—”

Then, the giggle happened.

Oh _GOD_ her tiny little laugh fuckin’ **_sent_** me. Her entire existence…despite what Angel had told me…was fuckin’ precious.

I fall in love _way_ too easily and this was one of those times where I was already crushing. Whoops.

She liked suits. _Maybe_ I could hold off for a bit longer on getting clothes I actually wanted. _I was actually considering this_. I’m telling you all—I _do not wear suits_. I was a bit of a tomboy when I was alive, but I still kept my hair long and wore skirts sometimes. Sure, it usually wasn’t without trainers, but I digress.

It’s the little things that get ‘em, Callie.

It’s the _little_ things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only managed one chapter today. No new chapter next week because I have my first certification exam. There'll be a double update sometime in the next few weeks- I'll have a week off and be able to write a lot!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! CONTENT WARNING FOR HORNY DEMONS (no smut but it's implied). Please do not read this chapter if you are under 18!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BAAACK!
> 
> Normal update week.
> 
> I c a n n o t stress enough that this chapter has some implied sexual references. Please read at your own risk- and I would advise anyone under the age of 18 to wait until Chapter 9 goes up in about two weeks. The next chapter is also going to be a bit ~spicy~. Not graphic, but definitely spicy.

_Calypso_

\--

So, the next morning I woke up and went about my routine as usual—AKA, the one that Val had prescribed _just_ for me. I fixed my side shave, I put on the cheap-smelling cologne he so _graciously_ gifted me, and suited up—literally. Okay, I do need to point out that I didn’t put the _entire_ suit on, but I did put on the bowtie and suspenders.

And, of course, the floral button-up I had (which _really_ reminded me of Gram’s couches) and navy blue trousers. I _hated_ how I looked, but with some adjustments, adding my bowtie and belt, and I thought that _maybe_ I’d look somewhat presentable.

I had to swallow the anxiety attack I could feel creeping up on me.

Of course, I forgot every single one of my braincells that morning and didn’t tie my fuckin’ shoes. I left my room and proceeded to step on my lace and fall right on my face.

 _Right_ in front of who I guessed to be my mousy-voiced neighbour from last night.

I looked up at her and, if I couldn’t be more of a fuckin’ nonce myself, I could feel my cheeks blush. She looked bloody _gorgeous_ that day—a white lace dress, little pink flowers in her hair, and the _slightest_ amount of makeup.

It was weird. She didn’t _ask_ me if I was alright (or if I was drunk), but she _did_ get down to my level and helped me up. “Let me just tie these stupid things,” I said as I bent down to tie my shoes. My hands were shaking so much that such a simple task became near _impossible_.

But I did it.

When I stood up, I realised how much taller than her I was. She was _small_. And adorable.

I found it strange that she didn’t say a _word_ to me when we walked to the kitchen for breakfast, but her presence was oddly pleasant. I didn’t even know her name. What was she called?

“So uh. What’s your name?” I asked. She looked at me. _Fuck_. “I’m uh. I’m Calypso. Callie’s fine. You can just call me Callie. ‘Cause that was my nickname in life, too.”

She nodded at me.

“Can you even hear what I’m saying?”

She nodded at me. By now, we were in the lobby, and she had disappeared behind the concierge desk and returned with a pad of paper with a little note on it:

_Hi Kali. I’m Eden._

_You seem friendly enough, but I have to get comfortable around you before I speak to you._

_Most sinners aren’t nice about it, so if you don’t accept that, it’s completely fine._

I read the note to myself. “Oh, no, I get that. Completely. You never have to speak to me, ever, actually. Don’t feel like you have to.” _Nice job, arsehole_.

She smiled a bit, getting my joke (I think). We went into the kitchen, where breakfast was just being put on the table.

I really hoped she’d sit next to me.

\--

Update: She actually didn’t sit next to me. She sat next to that Radio _Freak_ that I wanted nothing to do with. And he was wearing a nicer suit than mine!

I should’ve worn the bloody jacket and risked more discomfort than I was already having.

I also found it weird that nobody spoke really, besides…the two girls next to me? And when I opened my mouth to speak, it was like I couldn’t.

How hadn’t I gotten anyone’s name yet besides Angel and Eden’s?

Also, why the _fuck_ did the interrupting me thing continue here?

Actually, fuck that. I wanted to talk, but instead, we all sat in a horribly awkward silence.

Like, _horribly_ awkward.

Maybe after breakfast something would happen?

Maybe?

\--

Update: I was wrong.

Radio Freak and Eden ran off as soon as they finished their meals. I have no idea where they waltzed off to, but it seemed important.

So, that went well.

\--

_Alastor_

\--

**If there is one thing I have not done in a very long time, and one thing that I don’t particularly enjoy doing, it’s _dates_. But, you guessed it! I’ll _gladly_ make an exception with Eden. Today, we went on an outing. Now, this isn’t too unusual for us—but today’s was just a little different.**

**You see, for the past few days, Eden has been acting rather…strange. Quite lovey, which I will not be the first to admit isn’t unusual for her. What was unusual was how _close_ she wanted to be to me…how _intimate_ she was trying to be. It didn’t take much for me to realize why her behavior was so odd—she was entering her, well…her _season_ , which meant that it was time to create that Hellspawn she so desperately wanted! There was just one problem—I, myself, have not been in my season for several decades now. Fortunately, I knew _just_ the woman that could create a concoction to help me!**

**So, I had contacted Rosie for anything she had for this occasion and within minutes she had sent over a letter and a small package containing her finest fertility formula—a tea for Eden, that I had given her this morning without saying a word, and a strange tablet I had been taking for three days. I knew today was the day when I woke up feeling what I presume Eden had been feeling.**

**I could have been imagining things, but Eden had a pinkish glow to her today and, paired with her white dress, it made her look absolutely _angelic_. An angel in Hell—who would’ve thought! And the little flowers she’d adorned her locks with only added to her beauty. I was truly the luckiest demon in Hell, having found myself such a sweet little lady in my life—and I didn’t want to eat her!**

**Well, I did in that moment, but not in the way I am sure your pure mind is thinking.**

**So there we were, in the courtyard, enjoying a tender moment of solitude together. It was mostly spent talking, but Rosie suggested bringing her to where we had our first meeting together because it would, in her words, prompt more intimacy between us. At first, I didn’t believe a word. Eden, bless her heart, had been all over me for the first little while. She even decorated my hair and antlers with the same flowers she had in her own hair. She never let go of me. Not once.**

**It was adorable, really.**

**As our time together went on, though, I could no longer ignore the lewd thoughts I was having about her, nor could I ignore the strong pressure building in my groin. I really hoped Eden didn’t notice. Of course, she had good timing and she had already clambered into my lap, softly touching my face with her tiny hands and sitting down right where I needed her to.**

**Now, we almost _never_ kissed on the lips, but today was an exception. She kissed me, and I knew that I was a _dead_ man. Where this lead to was somewhat of a new experience to me, and it was quite _pleasant_ if you ask me. I could tell she was fishing for relief as well, for the time being, and the longer we kissed, the more intimate we became. **

**It was only when I felt the tension leave my body warmly, and when Eden sighed a soft, “ _oh…_ ” that I realized that this was only the beginning. I had no idea how we were going to last the day like this, but we were going to do it, even if it killed me.**

\--

_Eden_

\--

Despite the skimpy little dress I had on, I was sweating—and the amount of squirming I had been doing ~~when I wasn’t getting off on Alastor~~ …well, I feel like it was noticeable that I was in a _way_ and that something would be happening soon. I mean, I had to change my panties at least three times that day, and I was definitely going to spare Niffty the sight by washing them myself the next day.

Alastor was surprisingly open to my needs that day. Until dinner, we sneaked off several times for just that purpose, and every time it brought temporary relief. First, it was all over-the-clothes. Then, the last time we sought out a private space, we explored each other further…with our hands, if you understand what I mean.

For a violent cannibal serial killer, Alastor was awfully gentle with me. Maybe it was his own reservations, or maybe it was just how he thought of me. I don’t know, but that didn’t matter. I was getting pleasured by the Radio Demon in a broom closet, and why he was touching me so gently was the last thing on my mind.

Dinner came, and I had no appetite. I just wanted _more_ from Alastor—and judging by his bouncing leg and the bulge in his trousers, I could tell he wanted more, too. While we both ate, he placed his hand very high up my leg, almost to my panties, and I thought he was going to try to do something from under the table. He didn’t, though, but I am sure he could sense my need from where he was.

His face became redder and, out of nowhere, he grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the table. The moment we set foot in the elevator, he had pressed the button to his floor while simultaneously kissing me, and then he pushed me up against the wall and began to passionately kiss me. It was over for both of us, and I knew it.

I didn’t even care if anyone heard us. All I cared about was the evening of intense passion that was about to unfold.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !!CONTENT WARNING for horny demons and implied sex. Do not read this chapter if you're under the age of 18!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: Today (2/14/2021) is the exact date this fic begins. Soooo there's that.

_Eden_

\--

I wish I could sit here and tell you that my first time was magical and romantic and wonderful, and exactly how I thought it’d go. Truthfully, a lot of it was just that. But let’s think about it this way: two asexual virgins having sex for the first time is exactly as awkward as you’d expect. Now, I won’t go into details, because that’s really none of your business, but I can say what it was _like_.

So, being in heat is not at all as fun as it seems. Waking up in hot flashes, wanting to mount everything and everyone in sight—none of that is pleasant. Even worse is when you need relief and you can’t easily get it. Not to mention, most clothing is just not contusive to being worn when you’re sweating all the time. I only wear certain fabrics because most just _bother_ me, but even my favorite dresses were too hard to wear because of how they clung to my skin when I was just existing.

Then, the day came. Alastor has a friend who does all these weird potions and things, and she sent over a bunch of things to help me out. Conveniently enough, Alastor went into a rut that day, which I am highly suspicious of, but he swears it was coincidence. This left a small window of time where we could physically conceive a child. So, he planned the whole day out. After breakfast, we would go outside and have a lovely spring date in the garden. Then, later that day, we would have the main event.

Of course, I had a ridiculously hard time controlling myself all day, and after spontaneous bouts of teasing, dinner hit and we both couldn’t contain ourselves anymore, so up to the bedroom we went.

The new girl (Kali, I think her name is?) looked incredibly confused.

We were starting at it the moment we entered the elevator, and I didn’t even think we’d make it. By some miracle, we did, and the moment we were in the room is when we let loose. I’m not going to go into details, but I’ll let you know that both of us were very hesitant at first (I expected that). I didn’t realize that Alastor was so good at this whole sex thing, but he was…as much as he was awkward about it. We were both like kids who had just discovered each other for the first time.

It was that awkward.

After a lot of helpless giggling and awkward questions, we finally got into it. Alastor was _so_ gentle with me—a sentence I’d never thought I’d say. Sure, I got carried away and we scratched each other a lot, but he made me feel good. Nothing was unnatural or weird. Just awkward at times.

We went on like that for hours.

It was toward the very end where Alastor told me, “I love you,” and I could tell he _genuinely_ meant it. He always beat around the proverbial bush with this stuff, and I’ve never heard him _truly_ say “I love you” until that night. I was stunned, and it made the passion so much more intense from that point on.

I had my last release of the evening and rolled over. “I’m done,” I said, “Tired.”

That man’s stamina is _impeccable._

“Fair enough,” he replied, handing me the “suppressant” supplement that Rosie sent to us along with a glass of water he pulled out of thin air, as well as one for himself. We both took one, then he silently ran off to draw me a bath. Moments later, he returned and carried me to the bathroom, putting me into a warm bubble bath. I silently cringed at the hot water stinging the scratches on my back, but the pain quickly subsided as I relaxed into the bath. Alastor took good care washing out each of the scratches and then lovingly washing my hair, too. He left me momentarily, returning with one of my cropped tank tops and a pair of my shorts (I have no idea where he got these from), along with his favorite dress shirt (you know, the red one with the black cross across the middle?), then drained the bath, handing me a towel. My glasses had also been left up there from the night before. Alastor gave me a few moments to dry off and get dressed, wash my face, and take my contacts out, and when I entered the bedroom, he was waiting for me in bed, in his own pajamas.

“Come, come,” he summoned. I sauntered over, eagerly and sleepily crawling into bed with him. He held me close, stroking my hair while I fell into a blissful and peaceful sleep.

\--

_Charlie_

\--

I know _exactly_ what happened last night when Eden and Alastor ran away from the table and let me just say that I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited about it! I’ve been waiting for like, almost two Earth years for it to happen! And I know it happened! What’s _it_? Well…you know.

Sorry for getting carried away like that. I’m just so excited to see that much progress with both of them!

Anyway, the morning after. Right, that’s where we are. Vaggie and I woke up like usual, kinda early in the morning but not so early that you can’t tell if it’s day or night anymore, but early enough that we were downstairs in time to set the table for breakfast.

Vaggie is really cute in the morning.

She’s not a morning person…demon…but I am, so when we wake up, she always reaches up to me ‘cause she wants to cuddle, and I always agree to because…really, how can I not? But then we have to go downstairs, and she hates it.

And that morning, we did that, just like we usually do.

Niffty was the one making breakfast that morning since I’m preeeeeetty sure Eden and Alastor didn’t want to get up. We helped her. She was happy that we did. Like, really happy. And then she told us to go set the table because she could handle it, and I was like, I’m not so sure, but then she came in with all of the plates and flawlessly set each one up. I don’t know how she does it!

We all sat down except for Eden and Al, who came in five minutes late, and they were both _glowing_ , and we could all tell. There was no way I was gonna make either of them do much today, so I supposed that what’s-her-face…new girl…could take over. After breakfast I asked her, and she didn’t answer me, but I think it was fine with her.

I still couldn’t get over how _stiff_ she was.

Like, I’m not even _kidding_ , she walked like a robot, and I had no idea why. Apparently Angel knew, but he didn’t tell me why. I probably should’ve asked, but I know him. He would’ve given me a bullshit answer. So I didn’t.

The other part of that day was that I was starting to prepare because in two weeks, my parents were coming into town because of my engagement party. So we had started cleaning, like, really well, but just doing it little by little.

Eden insisted on helping her but we told her, no, don’t worry about it, take care of yourself, and she still helped anyway.

She won’t talk to what’s-her-face, or around her, either, yet she seems okay with her.

But it’s still progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next week's update will be a DOUBLE UPDATE!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight delay in putting this up! My dumbass brain didn't want me to write this week, apparently. But I figured out how to make each character's parts different so uhhh. Neat, dude. 
> 
> Double update time!

_Vaggie_

\--

I _really_ wish I could say that I was shocked that Angel forgot when the bridal shower was. _Really_. But, no. Angel is such an _airhead_ sometimes, and the fact that he’s been telling hotel guests that the party is in two _months_ is the least surprising thing. He didn’t even have to say anything when I asked him to help clean up the hotel earlier because I saw it in his face. He _knew_ he’d fucked up. And I laughed. I’d been calling it from the _start_ that he’d fuck _something_ up for this wedding.

And we asked him to be in the wedding party, too!

Charlie tried really hard to keep me calm after that. I mean, I was _furious_! How could he just _forget_ when our shower was?! If Charlie hadn’t been there, I would’ve punched Angel right in the face. _Gilipollas_. I’m glad he wasn’t in charge of invitations because _that_ would’ve been so much worse.

Then, there’s the Alastor situation. We’ve gained another member of this family that hates the guy as much as I do—that member being Calypso. Neither of us trust him, and both of us—at least, me, and what Calypso knows about the sinners here—are still worried about Eden being with him. It’s hard to tell that Alastor _actually_ loves her in the way he shows. Eden is very vulnerable and _very_ naïve, possibly more than Charlie is. Alastor has hurt her before and honestly? I wouldn’t be surprised if he did it again.

And the possibility that she’s now carrying his _child_ doesn’t sit well with me. Calypso, on the other hand…I think she’s in denial about that pregnancy. I have my suspicions about how she feels about Eden, but I won’t say anything because I’m not even sure if it’s true.

Calypso is a story of her own. She wears suits every day, just like Charlie does. The difference between the two is that Calypso looks _horribly_ uncomfortable in what she’s wearing, and I think I know the one and _only_ reason why she’s doing that to herself and…it actually has everything to do with her denying Eden’s pregnancy. So, I have to say it now:

Calypso has a crush on Eden.

She makes it obvious. The way she talks to her, _about_ her, putting herself in uncomfortable and awkward positions to get Eden’s attention…I don’t know if Eden is into women, but Calypso hasn’t even given Eden the chance to open up to her. Remember, Eden regressed _so_ much when Calypso arrived that I honestly almost forgot she’d ever spoken in the first place. But Eden seems to like her, at least as a friend. I didn’t talk to her about Calypso yet, but I…I will. Soon.

Back to Calypso, though, and Eden. They both are weirdly the same in some ways, like the getting-people’s-attention thing. Eden, I’ve noticed, only does it with people she’s already close with. I really hate to say it, but even though she’s sweet, the attention-seeking is _so_ bad for her that it’s _very_ toxic. Calypso’s doing it in a normal, awkward-teenage way…but I don’t know how old she actually was when she died. Eden was 25. Calypso is _definitely_ younger, maybe closer to my death age? I have no idea.

Now, with all of that being said, as much as I complain about these assholes, I love them. All of them, except for Alastor, who I’m still not sure about. My history with him is too much to go into, and I guess he _sort of_ apologized, but I took it lightly because he’s not the most trustworthy guy I’ve ever met. I _want_ to see in him what Charlie or even Eden sees in him, but it’s so hard knowing what he did to me. He knows if he hurts anyone I’m close to, his days are numbered. I don’t _want_ to get to that point but…

…At the same time…

…I wouldn’t _mind_ getting to eliminate his soul from existence…

\--

_Calypso_

\--

So, Angel fuckin’ lied about what day that bridal shower was.

As soon as I found out, I panicked. _Immediate_ abort mission, there was no way I was showing up to a bridal shower in a tux I didn’t own.

Not to mention, in front of Lucifer him-fuckin’-self, who I guess is Charlie’s da. I haven’t the slightest fuckin’ clue how because she’s a ray of fuckin’ sunshine. Oh, and Lilith is her mum…so that’s bloody brilliant.

Both of them were gonna read me like a fuckin’ _book_ and know I had something to hide.

Eden, bless her li’l heart, overheard me panicking and silently left the room and returned with a velvet skirt the shade of a fine Italian wine and a pair of black tights with a _gigantic_ hole in the knee. I changed out of those horrendous khaki trousers I’d been wearing for three days or however fuckin’ long it had been, and put on the skirt. It didn’t look much better with the rest of my outfit, but it’d have to do.

Angel _immediately_ insisted on taking me shopping…to every shop with the sexiest thing available, naturally. First shop was a bust…literally. He handed me a skin-tight leather dress that _barely_ covered my flat arse. It also had a deep v-cut that was supposed to show cleavage, of which I had very little. “Angel,” I groaned, “D’ya think I have the boobs for this?”

“Well…maybe…uh… _dammit!_ ”

I rolled my eyes.

Next shop, though, I hit the fuckin’ _jackpot_! You ever have that one piece of clothing you _dream_ about all the time? I found that thing in the next shop. It caught my eye almost immediately—deep blue velvet, a fuck ton of straps across the back…Angel agreed. I could see myself sipping on fine champagne in that thing.

So I bought it with heels and a choker to match. I don’t _need_ heels, considering I’m six feet tall already, but I am going to _wear_ heels anyway because I have a lady to impress and I no longer feel the need to mould myself into a demon that I _clearly_ am not.

I dragged Angel to _at least_ eight more shops after that for some other things, then we returned back to the hotel. I immediately felt relief being able to fuck around in denim shorts again…until Vaggie almost _reamed_ Angel for spending so much money on me.

That’s right, laddies and lassies! Angel used the fuckin’ staff credit card for non-hotel items! And Vaggie was _pissed_.

And I also had to hold off on wearing any of my new clothes for just a few more days…but what harm could that do?

\--

_Eden_

\--

I feel like it’s necessary to mention how _weird_ demon gestation is. Humans are usually pregnant for about 40 weeks, give or take a few more or less. For a sinner, I found out, it is about half of that—4-5 months, meaning that I was already starting to show. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet, though. Only Alastor knew. I just had to subtly figure out how to hide it.

Black is a slimming color. I own dark colors, but some of my favorite things just didn’t fit anymore. And when I overheard Kali having a meltdown over only owning suits, I decided that it’d be a great opportunity to quietly rid my closet of things that didn’t fit over my belly anymore. A skirt and… a pair of tights that I think were torn, but I don’t remember.

Conveniently, I remember Charlie also saying that in Hell, black was the usual wedding color. So, it felt appropriate that I wore a black dress to the bridal shower. It’d go well with Alastor’s suit, anyway. I know he’d been getting a maternity dress made for me, and a week before the shower, he’d received it and had me try it on. I went to his room to see it, and found him also gluing felt to the bottom of the shoes I’d bought because of how loud they’d been. I tried them on with the dress and—oh, _goodness—_ it fit like an absolute _dream_. You couldn’t even see how big I was getting, that’s how _well_ it was made. I did question the means he had obtained this dress, but it didn’t even matter. It was perfect in every way.

It was also that night that I whispered to Kali for the first time and she…politely as she could…informed me that I’d been spelling her name wrong this whole time. It’s Callie. Not Kali. I should’ve figured that out from the start, since her full name is…I guess Calypso? Or…Cailean, which she spelled to me. But anyway, when I did whisper to her, it felt too quiet. For the first time, I went almost immediately to speaking out loud to her. Of course, it was mostly one- or two-word sentences, but it was a good start.

“Aww!” she cried when I spoke. I was embarrassed, because that’s a normal reaction from most people, and I am not the fondest of it. “Aren’t you just adorable?!”

“Please don’t,” I mumbled, “I’m an adult.”

“Oh…sorry. I uh. I take it that happens—”

“Yes. It does.”

“Right. Well…I’m gonna go…”

And she left. I really hope I wasn’t _too_ mean about it.

The night before Charlie’s parents arrived, I couldn’t sleep. I had met them once before, and I didn’t speak to them. Mr. Magne tried _so_ hard to get me to speak and teased me when I didn’t! Charlie tried to back me up, but her father just wouldn’t have it. I trusted him…kind of…but I wasn’t ready to speak to him.

Maybe Alastor would back me up.


	10. Chapter 10

_Charlie_

\--

Well, Dad’s here, and he’s as embarrassing and annoying as ever.

He brought his accordion with him. As soon as I saw the case, I knew we were doomed.

Oh, did you know Angel has _two_ accordions? Yep. I’m currently listening to them have an accordion battle with each other. If I wasn’t around, I’m sure Vaggie would have yelled at them to stop.

I haven’t seen anyone else…

According to Alastor, Eden was resting. She’s been…off…lately. Not herself. She got up late yesterday, and Alastor told me he was letting her sleep in.

May I remind you of how _strict_ he is about timeliness? He doesn’t _enforce_ it, but he does get like, _really_ petty about it if you’re even five minutes late. I mean, I get it—that’s “how he was raised” or whatever, but it gets old. And now, Eden gets to sleep in?

I shouldn’t be upset about this. She looked really sick yesterday. When my parents came in, I expected her to hide. She didn’t, she froze in her spot.

Calypso has been around, but she said she had a headache or something, so I guess she’s gone for the night, too.

My dad really knows how to clear a room when he enters it.

Mom came in with an armload of gifts for us. I told her that we don’t need that much stuff! But she promised me it was good. I wonder what they got us…

So, the accordion battle. It went on for three hours. _Three. Entire. Hours_. It was funny at first, but it got annoying _so fast_. Two hours in, Calypso came downstairs, and the look on her face said everything I needed to know…

\--

_Calypso_

\--

Fucking _accordions_.

Two hours in and all I can hear is two men and their three _fucking_ accordions. For a while, I sat in the corner and pouted like a wee child. I’d already had a headache and this was only making it worse. I could tell I wasn’t the only one who was done with Angel and Lucifer’s polka bullshit, too. Vaggie looked _just_ as peeved.

An hour later, I had enough. I knew there’d be consequences, but I absolutely couldn’t take it anymore. I was about to yell at the King of Hell himself to shut the absolute _fuck_ up so I could get some shuteye, and I didn’t give a shit.

I could see Charlie giving me a look like, “don’t do it,” but I was done.

So I did it.

“Everybody just shut the **fuck** up already! Like, holy _shit_! It is ten o’clock in the _fucking_ evening and _some_ of us have to be up early tomorrow! _Fuck’s sake, man_!”

You could hear a pin drop with how quiet it was.

Lucifer approached me and I about pissed myself in fear.

“Dear, I feel it is unwise for a silly sinner like _you_ to yell at myself in such a way. But, considering your ailment, I shall comply. For now. But if you dare shout at me in such a way again,” his voice distorted and the entire room seemed to go dark,

“T̷̫̰̦͒͐͐̔H̷̢͍̪̻̫̱̼̭̣̗̪͔̆̍̆͋̾̊Ę̷̈́͝Ŗ̸̬̮̳̟͔̮͔̭͛̏̈̊̀̽̓̒͗͋̆E̸̤̫̣̚ ̴̢͖͙͙͉͓͎̬̤͕̀͋̈̓̈̐̕ͅW̵̡̧̹͈̬͈̖̰͈̙̌̾̀̇ͅỈ̴̻͇̪͍̻̿̑̌͊̔̇̂͛̂͊̉͆̕͠L̷͎̔͋́͛̎̀̇̓̚͘Ļ̸̧̧̡̢̺̘̦̱͔̯͍͕̣͚̌ ̵̜̳̤̈́Ḃ̴̨̡̛͔̗͍͉̳̞̪͙͙̙̽̂̌͋̚È̸̯͖̈́͆̈̓̌̀̓͋̈́͝͝ ̵̰̣̠̯̳̈́͋̒̄͠H̷͎͔̮̺͉̝̓̏̎̽̅͐͒͗͘͝ͅE̸͍̹͛́͊͑͗͑͆̔̔̕̕͝L̶̻̳̼͙͉̰͖̻̱͎̲̞͑̽̃̆L̸̘̠͚̲͚̺̤̦͔͍̒͛͌̄̋̚ ̶̡̖̞̬̋̆̓͆͑̇̋͆̏̾̎̕̕̕ͅT̸͔͇̺̼͎͕͙͍̟̒̅̋̋̅̆̆͛͒͜͝O̸̡̡̺̹͙͍̫͐͊͑̉̋͝ ̶̡̮̈͆̂̅͒̈́̃̈̓͛P̴͕̜̼̹̘̩̦̮͚͓̱̻͒̐̆̉̎̆̌͝Ȧ̴̧̯̪̞̱͔̰͇̥̖̦̩̠̼̿͋̽͘̚̕Ÿ̴̢̳̰̖̯̯̯̜̳̞̦́̋͛́̇̇͛ͅ”

And in that moment, I fucked _right_ off and didn’t leave my room again for the rest of the night.

I was sure as shit not looking forward to tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short! It's supposed to set up for the first big actual event in this thing.  
> I may or may not update on Sunday, we'll see how this week goes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emetophobia warning.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Chapter 11**

**\--**

_Eden_

\--

I don’t often let Alastor do my hair for special occasions, but I let him today. He brushed it and pulled it back with a ruby brooch that was shaped like a heart. He kissed my cheek and said I was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. I still doubted that, but it made me feel good regardless.

When he was done with me, he got up and magically changed into his suit right in front of me. No removal of his pajamas or anything—it was instant. He then pulled his hair back into a neat ponytail- something he rarely does, but always looks _so handsome_ when he does. I was already dressed, just finishing my makeup.

Once he was done checking himself, he lifted me from my chair and spun me around, kissed me, then rubbed my belly. “I certainly cannot wait to meet the little Hellspawn in your stomach, sweetheart,” he said. I blushed, kissing his cheek back. “Love you, honey.”

“Shall we?” he asked, taking my arm in his.

“We shall,” I beamed.

Feeling confident, we both went downstairs.

\--

_Calypso_

\--

Angie practically doused my face with that disgusting setting spray he had set out.

It literally smelled like my granny’s favourite jumper times infinity.

I didn’t say anything though ‘cause he was doing this out of…well, I thiiiiiiiiiink it was kindness but eh, I dunno. It’s fuckin’ Angel Dust for crying out loud. I still dunno if he actually likes me but at least he lets me talk. He _gets_ me. He knows how Val treated me. I mean, he’s still a fuckin’ arsehole but, what do I know?

At least I was allowed to wear something I wanted rather than that bloody dumb as shet suit that I’d been forced to wear against my will for the last 3 fookin’ months.

And if every soul in that room didn’t keel over and die over this then fuck me I guess. How bloody **bold** of me to wear a frock so _revealing_. I could now finally reveal to Satan himself that I, Cailean Flanigan, am the chairwoman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee™.

If Angel was good at anything, it was the whole fashion thing. I need to admit that I’ve never been the biggest fan of high heels—I mean, being a six foot tall woman was enough, but Angel _insisted_ that I wear them because I guess my scrawny chicken legs are _hot as Hell_ , or something. I also hadn’t so much as placed a razor to my legs since I got here, and I am bloody sure that band-aids aren’t A Look right now.

Angel turned me around after finishing my makeup, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fucker look so smug in my entire life. I mean, the bloke looked like he had a _plan_ , though I could tell that our plans were vastly different. I just wanted to get pissed so that I didn’t have to deal with that _stupid_ Radio Demon’s antics sober. Angel, on the other hand, wanted to hook me up with someone.

I was _so_ glad that Al was already taken because, _good God_ , I could _not_. How Eden dealt with him, I’d never know.

Wait, why was she here?

I dunno, that’s not important right now. What’s important is what happened next. Angel put on a wig then shoved me out the door. I had to go down there _alone_ and make my _big reveal_. It wasn’t the royal bridal shower; it was _my_ party. I would be the centre of attention once I entered the room, and Angel had thotted me up _just_ enough to do it.

Or so he thought.

As soon as I entered that room, it was practically empty. Actually, I don’t even think the party had started yet. Husk had been grumpily pouring cups of punch and neither of the brides-to-be were to be found.

Boy, did I relate to that fucker just then.

I think I was legitimately the only person in the building he liked. Or something. I dunno if he _liked_ me so much as he _tolerated_ me. Honestly, I just wanted some fuckin’ booze, and I knew Husk saved the good beer for people he tolerated.

I took a seat next to Angel, examining my nails as if I had something interesting to look at (I didn’t), and made small talk with Husk for several minutes, although the conversation was completely one-sided besides the occasional grunt or “yeah.” Oh well.

I’m pretty sure that, only after a week, it’s an automatic response for me to roll my eyes whenever I hear radio static behind me. Soon, too, could I tell that he was mere centimetres behind me, and that _arsehole_ thought it’d be something else if he start playing bagpipe music. My mind was between, _how the **fuck** does he do that_ and, _why?_

I turned around to tell him to piss off, but I stopped myself. I was _not_ about to die a second time today.

Right next to him, though, was Eden, and _oh my fookin’ God in that moment did I realize that I am Mega Gay™._ Like shiiiieeetttt. I knew she was in a relationship with my least favourite demon but _Jesus Christ_ was she beautiful. She still barely spoke to me and I was not about to flirt with her with ol’ Al around but _my GOD_. At least he couldn’t read my mind.

But he _could_ read my face, and it was in that moment that having lavender skin made a blush stand out a _lot_ more, somehow. The look that Radio Arsehole gave me just then shoulda’ been a sign to get the Hell out of dodge and retreat to my room.

Instead, I ordered another beer.

Now, when Charlie and Vaggie entered the room was when the attention shifted to my drunk arse. Charlie’s jaw damn near dropped to the floor when she saw me. I couldn’t tell if we were having a moment of solidarity (sort of) or if she was just in _shock_ because hello, yes, I Have Boobs.

Yes, her dad made her wear a dress, in case you were wondering. But to be honest, she didn’t seem too uncomfortable like I did in a suit. Good job, Dad?

Right after I had opened my third beer, Charlie called us all over to watch her and Vaggie open presents. I hardly knew either of them but I had to get them a small something, so I got them matching wine glasses. I dunno, it was the first thing I thought of. I’m not an alcoholic, I swear. I’m just a twenty-year-old Scotswoman who happens to enjoy craft beer.

Mum and Dad joined her and Vaggie up front while the others of us (all six of us) gathered ‘round. Eden actually sat next to me, which I was _shocked_ about. I didn’t think she would. So, I quietly and subtly shifted closer to her. I was starting to feel a buzz as well as the urge to steal Alastor’s girl.

It was only when I sat closer to Eden that I realized why, exactly, she had chosen to wear black—and it _wasn’t_ to match Radio Fuck’s outfit or to mourn the loss of the unmarriedness of Charlie and Vaggie. No, no, it hit me like a train.

The baby bump was really hard to miss, and even harder when you realised that Eden was _only_ wearing black to appear like she was still a twig.

Realising that she was probably sealed to that stupid deer forever, I felt my heart drop out my arsehole. I quietly got up and ran to the toilets, hoping nobody noticed me leave. I was already drunk as it was, but the overwhelming heartbreak I had just felt made me sick to my stomach. I promptly went into one of the stalls and began dry-heaving, only to notice the foul stench coming from _somewhere_.

Then I puked.

 _Then_ I heard a familiar voice outside of the stall. By now, I was sobbing so hard that I’d gone silent. It felt like I was being strangled, and I couldn’t make a sound. For what felt like aeons, I couldn’t breathe. Finally, though, I managed a loud cry that sounded more like an animal in pain.

I heard someone banging on the stall door. “Open up already!”

I somehow managed to instantly gain my composure, then open the door to find Angel standing in front of me. His face said everything I needed to know. “First of all,” he said, “let’s get’cha outta here.”

We went to his room and he sat me down, tossing me a t-shirt of his. I held it up and read the front. “Delicious,” in rhinestones, right across my boobs. Tasteful.

“Put that on. Ya chucked all over yourself.”

 _Great_.

Angel disappeared for a moment to take my dress to the laundry after I had taken it off and put the shirt on. I didn’t care if he saw me in my underwear. At this point, I was too drunk to care.

When he came back, he full-on interrogated me. “What the hell happened, Callie?”

“Eden’s pregnant,” I blurted.

“What?”

“Knocked up? There’s a bun in the oven? _Prrrrragonté?”_

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“Do I have to spell it out for you? _E-d-e-n is p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t_!”

“No, I know _that_. I just wanna know _how_. I thought sinners couldn’t _get_ pregnant.”

“I don’t fookin’ know, Angie!”

“But anyway, that’s no reason to _cry_.”

“It is when _I’ve been telling her that Alastor ain’t the best person to be dating_! There’s no way that relationship is healthy!”

“Callie, Callie, Callie. You haven’t _seen_ them.”

“I’ve bloody seen them, Angel!”

“Not when they first met, ya didn’t!”

I groaned. “So?!”

“Look, I ain’t gonna get down to the dirty details, but they’ve been good for each other. Ya haven’t seen the shit they went through to get here.”

“You’re not fookin’ helping.”

“Callie, cut the shit. I know what’s really going on.”

“What?”

Angel smirked and bit his bottom lip. I _knew_ exactly what he was thinking.

“You’ve got a _crush_ on _Eden_ , don’t ya?” He poked my boobs.

“…No! What makes…what makes you think that, huh?”

“Callie, you’re fuckin’ stupid. I saw ya makin’ googly eyes at her today. And yesterday. And…a lot of the days recently. And it hurts because you want to be with her but ya can’t.”

“Fuck. Yeah… you’re kinda right.” I fell backwards onto the bed and covered my face with my hands. “I don’t know what I’m bloody gonna do here, Angel. I got that she was dating that stupid…ugh! But pregnancy? Fuck, mate. They’re committed. They ain’t breaking up anytime soon.”

“I’ll tell ya. You’re gonna be the best damn aunt that kid’s ever gonna have.”

“Aunt. Me?”

“Yeah, you!”

“It’s been nearly a fortnight, Angel.”

“Kid, stop arguin’ with me and listen! I know ya can’t have the kinda relationship you want with Eden and I get it, that fuckin’ sucks. But I can tell that both of ya can and fuckin’ _will_ have a great friendship…sisterhood…thing…you just gotta let her open up to ya. And I’ll be real fuckin’ honest, she seems to like ya a lot more than she lets on. So just. Be. _Patient_.”

“Just…erm…don’t say anything about Eden, okay? Like the baby? I don’t think she wants to tell anyone yet. You’re not supposed to know. Just. Be quiet, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll let her talk when she’s ready to. Obviously. I know her, I’m used to her. She’d cry a lot if I said anything.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I mean, I _love_ the li’l thing to pieces, but I gotta be honest, she’s a fuckin’ crybaby sometimes.”

“Huh.”

“Although I hear she could commit mass genocide if she’s pissed off, so I would like to never, ever see that happen.”

“Yikes.”

“Anyway, don’t sweat it, kid. I’ve got this.”

“Do ya?”

“Yeah. And you’re gonna have a fuckin’ _terrible_ hangover in the morning so,” he pulled a glass of water seemingly out of his arse, “Chug this and get some sleep. Stay here, I don’t care.”

“Thanks, Angel.”

\--

Well fuck me sideways, Eden _literally_ announced her pregnancy the next day…

I only found out due to hearing Charlie’s ear-piercing squeals first thing in the morning.

Yaaayyyy.


End file.
